S C R W S T X

Sometimes the voices were a little louder, the air heavier and my body weighed a ton. My mother told me I have to stop being so sensitive all the time, but she birthed me with the thinnest skin and a heart wired to take all shots straight to the center. I couldn't help that I was born to feel a little too deeply. I went through life experiences having so many things rubbed off me. Sadness plastered itself to me. Happiness cemented. Fear seeped into me. Anxiety was starting to feel like a permanent resident within the walls of my ribs. Room 439. I went through school, friendships, love, anything full-hearted. Through adolescence, I felt too much. So much. Every day I wished for a switch in my brain, in my heart but I slowly learnt. I learnt to sleep on things. On everything. You don't feel as much when you sleep yknow? Dreams used to be better than real life. I dreamt whatever I wanted. Nothing mattered. When I'm awake, I mastered a sense of numbness that I can stow away but can also easily retrieve. Feeling too much? Oh here's your numbing blanket. Everything dulls down. I think denial was what it was made of. 85% denial, 15% distraction. It was the softest, comfiest material. I knew all escape routes out of mental chaos.

These past few months have been a limbo. A complete limbo. No school, no job, no purpose. I'm in a numbing blanket but not mine because I didn't retrieved mine. I wished for the switch and it came belatedly unwanted. Sometimes I want to throw myself into things for the sake of feeling deeply again. Get my heart broken so I can feel that piercing sadness again. I've limited extreme emotional experiences so I only think about sadness. Right at this moment, lying on my bed typing this, I can't see a purpose in my life. I know it's what all suicidal people say and I'm not. It's just difficult seeing clearly right now. Just for now. I hate admitting this. So many people came up to me and asked why I haven't gotten a job. How do I say I'm given money and an entire year's time to work on a new project hence I can't work. How can I say that when I'm stuck in a big fat limbo and haven't got a hint on what I'm going to work on?

Mum called me a failure today. A heart wired to take all shots to the center remember? It didn't failed this time. Anyone would do anything to not be deemed a failure. She picked the sharpest dagger. I saw some truth glinting in the light.