There's a lot of things about my own self that I'm trying to figure out. There was a time when I wrapped myself everyday with my invisible numbing blanket. A few days back, I posted about trying my best to avoid being back at my most vulnerable. Ever since, I kept going back, asking myself if I indeed never want to feel that sort of vulnerability again.
Somewhere along the years of experiencing pain, I've misconceived the idea that the opposite of being vulnerable was to not feel and the idea of not being able to feel has gradually morph itself into the idea of being strong. But being strong does not mean inability to feel. An inability to feel is denial in two sense: a) it's self-denial to think you can't feel b) when you deny yourself any possible feelings. It's strength only when you embrace any feelings that come by. It's strength only when you welcome the possibilities of pain and pain itself. You're the strongest, when you're the most vulnerable. I think I've figured that out now.
So I take it back, me saying I never want to be vulnerable again. Taking the words back is going to be way more easy than declaring bravely, "I henceforth decide to be vulnerable" but I'll try.
Step one: To be vulnerable, first be open to possibilities and judgements, including the possibility of pain/failure that may come.
No more saying no out of fear.
Depressed Yun Jing would have laughed so hard at this crazy wanting-to-go-back-to-the-pits post. But I guess it isn't exactly that. It's just tweaking my defence mechanism. My stay in my bricked walls is long overdue.
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