jul - aug ‘19 / ear chest heartbeats on nights we lie together while most days i heard my own heart beating in my ears, each an anxious thud with my insides feeling like they were rushing up my throat. Good days and bad days ran along hand-in-hand and danced around me so I weaved in and out of them. These past few months have been admittedly hard. Really hard. But there are those that helped me calm the sea in my mind. Then there’s this sweet boy who makes me feel the safest I’ve ever felt. I have always thought romance meant feeling intense  butterflies but now I’ll pick the slow lapping of waves anytime. 

Hello September. 

May you be a month of introspection, internal realignment and calmer heartbeats.

You're the calm waves with the slow gush of water against the sand, the key to the house at the end of a long day, the gradual warm flush of beer on my cheeks, the trails of leftover lights passing cars leave behind and the sum of all the things that make me feel present and safe. Thank you.

Lying on my bed in the middle of the night suddenly realising I’m afraid. Of so many things all at once. And I can’t remember when was the last time I felt zero sense of fearfulness. I guess it comes with having to deal with this perpetual sense of anticipating unexpectedness and unpreparedness with all these changes and unknowns.

It's so odd how I've grown so fond of Jalan Besar. Not even the whole area, just the little stretch I walk along every single day to office, the skinny roadside pavements to various lunch places (oh lord, food heaven), the colourful old shops with signboards design so old it possibly date back to the 60s, the sounds, the scorching feeling on my skin, my almost-daily $1.20 coffee that tastes so good it feels like a luxury, the KTVs' funky neon lights glowing at night. How roads bleed into Little India / Farrer Park and back again but you'll know it when you're back at Jalan Besar. I don't even mind the weird mysterious puddles / sticky stains everywhere anymore. It's best not to wonder what the soles of my Reeboks have touched but know I've walked by shops with such character and people of all kinds. I've walked by shops that closed and remained a sleeping space for months before little things start filtering in and turning into spaces with different outfits. It's a really charming place.

Today I went to buy my usual cup of coffee. By Sam Leong Rd, there's a mint green building at the corner with a little coffee shop. The drinks stall has incredibly kopi. Was always too scared to talk to the auntie making the coffee because she looks rather fierce. Always made sure I said my order loud and clear so she wouldn't give me one of her glares yknow? (Hawkers' glares have withered my soul a couple times.) Today she looked at me and she asked if I cut my hair. So I took that little small opening of a door and told her yes I did and that her coffee is really amazing. Made her smile, which in turn made me smile. She said my new office wasn't that far away and if I could, come back for kopi again.

I ate two bowls of laksa for lunch today too so you can imagine, I'm really gastronmically contented.

But I'm excited to get to know a new place the way I did with Jalan Besar.

Like the slow calm waves that bring you back to shore.

Some moments I stored away recently:

Someone listed a few good adjectives and told me that's his description of me and I usually deny anything kind said about me. Not so much from humility than massive lack of self-confidence but he listed "empathetic" amongst other kind words and I picked that to keep. I like that someone thinks I have the capability to think and share the feelings of another. I like that very much.

-

I remember coming out the salon and feeling so immensely naked. The first time I properly looked at my reflection I had to gasp because I couldn't recognise myself. I knew hair was nothing. It was nothing to me (maybe in hindsight that's not the entire truth) but at that moment I wanted to have everything right back and pretend I didn't just shed almost the whole head of hair away. I knew I was a stranger to everyone but it felt like they were staring, burning holes in me with their eyes and I hadn't bravery for that just yet. He sat with me for almost an hour, told me I look great over and over and over again. Gradually everyone I knew who saw me echoed. I've gotten both stares that lingered too long and compliments from strangers but it was me who had to eventually gave myself that validation. In the mornings, my hair stands straight up like a romaine lettuce so a new routine birthed: Wet it and blow it dry so it'll lay tamely. To avoid it looking like a lifeless mop, wax it to give it texture and trim it almost once every 1.5 months because wow my hair grows out fast who knew there is so much more to do but I love that I can feel the breeze on the back of my neck, how my hair dries almost instantly and how none of it ever comes into contact with my face.

- 

Not much context for this but take it as it is.

I knew she sensed my uncertainty the moment I told her and she gave me that raised-eye-brow knowing look, almost as if she knows me better than I know myself and maybe she does! I'm a pretty open book but I hate that she thinks that. I hate that she doubts where I'm heading when things seem to be looking up and I hate that she could be right.

-

Too good to be true. Why is it when good things happen I wonder what it is I've done that accredited me kind things. It's hardly ever the self pat on my own back saying, "Yes you're worth it". Was it because of all the times prior when I had a taste of 'good' in my hands only to watch it slipped away. And the other time when the same thing happened. And the other time when the same thing happened. Again. Again. Again. Now I've this warm fluffy bird in my palms and I'm staring at it in awe, wondering how long warmth lingers the second something's gone.

Taken when I was my way to having all my hair cut off. Everyone asked me why I did it but I just wanted to know what's it like to go against what's defined as feminine and beautiful I guess. Was massively insecure the first couple days. So crazy how much I care what others perceived me as! But I've grown to really enjoy my close-cropped hair. 

Happy 2019 y'all. 

"Don't punish yourself. Allow yourself to learn."